By Andra Watkins
What’s it like to be in a relationship with an autocratic, non-compromising, non-flexible person?
Today’s Christo-fascist Republican Party is teaching many Americans about these abusive relationships in real time. Once we defeat them and defeat them and defeat them some more, we’re all going to need trauma therapy.
Tato A. Torres Gilormini, a Doctor of Clinical Psychology and Family Therapist, put together a list of autocratic traits to look out for in interpersonal relationships. I’m sharing those traits today.
In my newsletter “Forced Birth Can Be the Greatest Healing Agent,” I wrote about how Christian Nationalists use the Bible to give themselves a pass on empathy. Because who are they to try to help someone God chooses to punish? If they interfere, that person may never learn the lesson God is trying to teach them. Their punishment may never heal their relationship with God.
I want to expand on Tato’s comments on empathy, because so many on the Left wring their hands at the Right’s lack of empathy. Before I started doing this work, I’m not sure I ever considered how this indoctrination robs people of empathy. And the solution isn’t telling them they’re authoritarian or lecturing them to be more empathetic. We can’t fight fire with fire, especially when it comes to the non-compromising. Being empathetic of those who lack empathy is not submitting, it is sublimating. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/sublimation
Here are several tips for dealing with people who lack empathy from Very Well Mind. I used their tips in bold and tailored the recommendations to this work.
1. Establish boundaries. We know what boundaries look like in our interpersonal relationships. We may restrict time with difficult people, or we may cut them out of our lives entirely.
2. But what about with our fellow Americans? The best way to establish clear boundaries will be to defeat them at the ballot box. At every level of government. In every election. For as long as it takes.
3. Nurture relationships with people who have empathy. You’re here, so you’re already doing that work. Be fed by the hope you get from the work we’re doing together to save democracy. Don’t let them rob you of your joy or keep you from celebrating every success.
4. Don’t seek emotional validation from them. For those who enjoy engaging with trolls, that means stop engaging with trolls. Arguing with trolls is a form of emotional validation. Don’t give them that power. What they’re saying to you isn’t about you; it’s about them.
5. Don’t expect them to change. I think most of us have come to the realization that we will never change the members of this Christo-fascist, white supremacist cult. But we CAN focus on persuading people to vote. We CAN make our case to undecided voters. We CAN encourage more Americans to register to vote. We CAN warn Americans about Project 2025.
6. Walk away if necessary. I’ve ended relationships with so many people over the last decade. It’s okay. You’re not alone. I don’t know what “walk away” means for our democracy, but those decisions are above my pay grade.
7. Try not to take it personally. This one is SO HARD. It’s hard to watch people shrug at suffering; even harder to see so-called Christians inflict pain with undisguised glee. Different tools work for different people but this works for me: I have to answer for MY actions; I’m responsible for MY reactions; when it’s all said and done, I want those things to add up to a positive difference in the world.
They don’t disguise their authoritarian approach in Project 2025’s Promise 2: Dismantle the Administrative State and Return Self-Governance to the American People. I wrote about that here.
Here are their exact words from Project 2025:
The next conservative President must possess the courage to relentlessly put the interests of the everyday American over the desires of the ruling elite. Their outrage cannot be prevented; it must simply be ignored.
Project 2025, page 9
At every turn, Christo-fascist Republicans ignore the will of voters. They ignore judicial rulings they don’t like. They ignore election outcomes with which they don’t agree. They are clearly and indisputably communicating their authoritarian bonafides. More Americans would be wise to believe they mean what they say and do.
We will hold impeachment hearings for a sitting Democrat President, but we won’t let you mention our candidate’s 34 felony convictions in the House.
We will grandstand and trade personal insults during formal committee meetings; then refuse to apologize.
We will not compromise.
