Pick Kristi

TO: DONALD TRUMP
FROM: RICK WILSON
SUBJECT: VP SELECTION
DATE: 29 APRIL 2024

Dear Donald:

Look, I know you’re stuck in court today, again, sitting in the icy air of a room full of people telling your sordid secrets for the world to see, but while the ineffable (but sadly not odorless) misery of your sharty Depends and missing your nap time grows, I’m wondering something.

I know you have some time to read this because…well, you’ve got nothing but time while you’re on trial. It’s not like you’re busy campaigning.

After this weekend, why haven’t you publicly announced that Kristi “Puppy Slayer” Noem is your Vice-Presidential pick?

Why not go all-in on performative cruelty and inhumanity and pick Gravel Pit Kristi? Why not pick a candidate for VP who advertises in advance and boasts about her cruelty and caprice? Why not own the libs and listen to their howls of outrage? Drink up those liberal Marxist commie dog-lovers’ tears!

It’s very much your brand.

Or are you too chicken?

What’s wrong, cuck?

Are you too low-T to pick Noem as your vice president? Maybe you’re not manly enough to pick a woman with the balls to kill a puppy and brag about it.

Sure, your body count is higher by a lot, given your utter failure in handling COVID, but she had the stones to pull the trigger while her innocent 14-month-old puppy gazed up at her, wagging its tail and staring with innocent eyes for a few last blissful seconds before she pulled the trigger and spattered its tiny brains all over the gravel pit.

Look, Donald, I know you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but she wasn’t talking about shooting the puppy (and the goat)…she was telling you she’d kill for you. That was her intention when she had Corey get a ghostwriter to pen a political autobiography cum job application.

If she kills a puppy and brags about it, doesn’t that put her miles ahead of people like traitor Pence or beardy-weirdie J.D. Vance? Little Marco would break his hand if he fired a pistol bigger than a .22, and we both know it.
Kari Lake fell off the Hot-Crazy Matrix, even for you. Tim Scott looks up to Lindsay Graham as a tough guy.

Unlike those weaklings, she’s tough, Donald. She’s perfect. No matter how dark and bloody the job, she’ll do it with all the cruelty and malice you crave. You’d never have to wink at her when stealing an election. She’d volunteer.

There’s another thing to think about, Donald.

Everyone piled on to poor Kristi before you even had a chance to tell them what to think. Your most passionate Very Online supporters — Catturd, Laura Loomer, HtlrWzRite1488, and others — attacked Noem before you said a word, trying to make you abandon Hot Kristi.

Imagine, Donald; they decided for you that she was a monster.

How dare they?

You could make the entire MAGA movement and media do one of your favorite things: turn on a dime, renouncing the anti-dog murder position they fervently held just moments before you changed their mind. Remember when you wanted to shut down TikTok? Now that Biden did it, you—and your worshippers, cultists, and supporters—now love TikTok.

This would make you even stronger, Donald. Manly. Virile.

I mean, it’s not that you like dogs. You hate them.

They’re dirty, and as a germophobe city boy, you’re afraid of them. I can’t imagine a dog in your Trump Tower apartment. After all, whatever vulgarian decorator channeling the design inspirations of Liberace and Late-era Saddam Palace chic could never imagine an animal touching the fauxcade fabric selections.

Well, I know you’re busy listening to David Pecker shovel dirt over you, so I’ll end this here.

Pick Kristi Noem, Donald.

I dare you,

Rick